Blah blah blah...

???????????

2010-09-10T01:10:00.000-07:00

Greg disappeared, E came back to life. One sobered out, the other one probably got drunk. Only explanation.
Because if both are sober, I am definitely going to get worried.

"Sleep well, Jules. Mwah"

It always kills me.

5 weeks...

2010-09-06T22:52:00.000-07:00

That's about when Greg came to my life.
Met at a bar, stayed together all night, exchanged numbers. Had date #1.
It would be just like many of old situations if it had died there.
But he behaved better than me and held himself. Yet, we advanced to date #2.
From the guys I met at a bar and went this far, all of them ended up in a relationship. And it damn scares me.
I really like him. He gives me all the butterflies and thoughts and shivers and everything I haven't felt in forever. Or at least not ever since E.
He is sweet. He is smart. He has an old soul. He has these mysterious eyes of mysterious colors that I can't read yet. He has a kiss that melts me. He looks me in the eyes. He's shy. Or maybe he simply doesn't have much to talk to me?
That's what bothers me. He's either completely different to what I am used to, or I don't know what the heck is going on. Date #2 was sweet but odd, both visibly uncomfortable... Was that "Call me this week when you are free so we can do something" a genuine desire to see me again, or just a polite way to end up the night after the goodbye kiss?
The phone hasn't rang ever since he dropped me off last night. Online advices (and the golden rule on the dating game) tell me to take a breath and wait for him to say something first. I hate those games. I wish I were able to simply call him whenever I can't hold anymore not hearing from him so he knows I have been thinking about him and see if he's free Wednesday night... 24 silent hours dragged to go by and now I have to wait another 72 or so to take the risk he decided to make other plans last minute because I didn't call earlier?
I have less than two months here and have no idea when or if I am going to be back. Falling for somebody should be the last thing on my list. But I already don't want to leave him, and the idea he might be seeing me as a quick hook up because I am leaving is driving me crazy.
Date #3 has to happen. If the silence gaps remain, it speaks for itself. On the other hand, if by any chance we are a lot more relaxed around each other and it all goes smooth... Oh Lord. Somebody better dope me to put me on the plane in October...

"Tao longe, de mim distante..."

2010-06-19T20:13:00.000-07:00

He's on a semester at sea cruise for two months. Needless to say, my heart is in pain more than ever. When I read one of his shipmates' blogger about how rough the waters were, and how miserable the people on board were so far, I panicked. Besides, he can only communicate by email until he's on port, and I only got one single short message, mostly asking me to keep him posted daily about the games... I feel such an idiot. He does things like this, yet here I am still checking my inbox every 10 min on the cell phone or wherever I can.
I love that boy. I am absolutely crazy about him and he knows damn well he's got me in the palm of his hand. I found a great guy who genuinely likes me but 9 months later I cannot go any further than just feeling gratefulness and friendship for him (why do I still insist in being so selfish and not letting him go? go figure. ironically, that's exactly what E does to me). Worst part is.. it's all about physical attraction. I have too much for one, nothing for the other. Again, how can I be such a shallow selfish person??
What I should do... break up for good, stay single. Stop looking for trouble, especially in the situation I am, not knowing what is coming ahead. Then when things are finally settle down, look for THE person, not somebody in between just to keep me busy. I will still be stuck on E anyway, and the only way to move on is to fall madly in love. Just like it was with V until I met E (even though I was actually happy with him, and did not plan on meeting anybody else. It worked damn well anyway).
My life is an ironic Deja Vu.

Il est trop tard

2010-06-06T02:12:00.000-07:00

Pendant que je dormais, pendant que je rêvais
Les aiguilles ont tourné, il est trop tard
Mon enfance est si loin, il est déjà demain
Passe passe le temps, il n'y en a plus pour très longtemps

Pendant que je t'aimais, pendant que je t'avais
L'amour s'en est allé, il est trop tard
Tu étais si jolie, je suis seul dans mon lit
Passe passe le temps, il n'y en a plus pour très longtemps

Pendant que je chantais ma chère liberté
D'autres l'ont enchaînée, il est trop tard
Certains se sont battus, moi je n'ai jamais su
Passe passe le temps, il n'y en a plus pour très longtemps

Pourtant je vis toujours, pourtant je fais l'amour
M'arrive même de chanter sur ma guitare
Pour l'enfant que j'étais, pour l'enfant que j'ai fait
Passe passe le temps, il n'y en a plus pour très longtemps

Pendant que je chantais, pendais que je t'aimais
Pendant que je rêvais il était encore temps

There's always hope...

2010-06-03T23:27:00.000-07:00

After a day full of anxiety crises, tears, and many many doubts, some of the problems turned well.
In fact, just seeing him ended my major drama today. There is nothing like the feeling he gives me when we hug, or while I drive back home. His smile melts my heart, and I just wished I could never have to stop looking at those eyes...
I am able to feel something intense for somebody, and I am truly in love right now. And I am leaving in a few days again... :(
I am in peace when and after we meet. There are no hesitations, no questioning, no doubts. Except for the crucial question...

Why aren't we mean to be?

"Mudaram as estacoes, nada mudou..."

2010-06-01T20:43:00.000-07:00

So much effort, so many attempts... and deep down it still didn't feel completely right.
Coming here wasn't right either. Feeling what I feel isn't right. Tasted happiness once again, and pretending that I am okay with letting it go again isn't right.
Knowing the right things to do, and not being able to do them is even worse.

My heart has always been somewhere else, even after so many changes of zipcodes.

And for the first time in months, I had the best hour of sleep.

In a perfect world, this would have rocked his heart, made him realize things can be fixed, and really try to do so to get my parents' trust back.

But of course so far it has only brought even more confusion, resentments, fear.

All my guards are down and I am completely vulnerable again... waiting for a hello, a good night, a message in blank at least. And crying while going to bed alone after a dream did come true.

...

2010-04-16T01:44:00.000-07:00

A friend is coming to pick me up and help pull an all nighter for tomorrow. If I had to stay alone tonight, I would either oversleep or go crazy waiting for 6am to come. Or I don't know what I would do. I don't know anything else anymore. Everything I had was taken out of me, including my faith. So God better have an outstanding plan for me soon, or I am going to forget about Him too. I have many flaws, about myself and with people... I know. But I am not a bad person and did not deserve all this all at once. I am bitter and hopeless. I am a mess right now. I am a bigger mess without him. By trying not to get hurt, I made him fall off love. I took him for granted and I am paying the price. I am trying to fix it. My last hope is that at least that I can fix. Because at this point I have nothing under control. Absolutely nothing. If I can't do it... I hope I can take a plane back home as soon as possible and that fucking plane crashes on its way.

While you were sleeping...

2010-04-11T02:49:00.000-07:00

... I thought of everything that has happened during all these months together.
... I thought of everything that I want to happen.
... I thought of everything that won't happen.
... I thought about your words.
... I thought about how I should say what it's in my heart right now.
... I remembered that I have already tried to say it many times before.
... I felt lonely, even though you were right next to me.
... I wasn't sure whether this was the right place to be anymore.
... I called you "my friend".
... My mind was somewhere else.
... In my thoughts, I already said goodbye and left.
... All this seemed the best thing to do.

I hear the bells ringing...

2010-03-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

Until I was about 10, I swore to God I would die a bachelorette. Didn't want the pain of a heartbreak, to lose my freedom, to give up on my dreams for anybody. Of course, that lasted until I had my first kiss and could not wait to have a boyfriend. And when he came, and started talking about plans of engagement in the future (right in the first week!), I had made up my mind that I wanted to have a family quite early.

Many girls that are crazy to get married actually just dream of their wedding day. Planning the perfect proposal, the party, the dress, the maid-of-honor and the guest list, the honeymoon. I, on the other hand, have always daydreamed about the day-by-day of being a wife, the arguments, the feeling of looking at the other person and knowing that he loved you so much that he wanted to keep you for himself forever.

I have been in love with several guys, but only two gave me that blinding "I wish he is The One!" feeling. With both, I got really close to get married. Funny enough, the last time was exactly a year ago, on the 28th. But none of them would actually happen the right way.... my family didn't approve them; the proposals were clearly an impulse, a desperate attempt to fix things; more like a "right now" moment instead of a future-oriented plan. And as much as it hurt me immensely to say no, now I am kinda grateful that I did not lower my standards for something so important and life changing.

This was one of the main reasons to move to California: to start life the way things were supposed to be, to re-evaluate my priorities and chase after them with heart and soul. And it also coincided with the "wedding boom" in Londrina, with many school and church friends getting married or having kids, that made me think that maybe it wasn't impossible at all to put family as a main goal at middle 20's. I admit that these thoughts were also moved a bit by jealousy... gosh, I wished I were that lucky to find somebody who wanted me for the rest of his life too! But especially after spending every weekend at my boyfriend's house, doing grocery shopping and laundry together and some other "married couple" stuff, that I noticed that my heart was speaking really loud about being ready to be a wife.

Therefore, when I overheard a conversation today between an old woman and a young girl on her 23ishs on how happy she was about her son's recent marriage, and congratulating the girl about a prospective pretendent, it kinda crashed me... Gosh, why can't I be chosen too? I am ready, I will be the most devoted yet independent wife, I will be a good role model for my kids someday. Plus, I am tired of jumping from a relationship to the other, of the dating games and superficial commitments, of giving my heart to somebody who doesn't see a future with me. I want stability, I want reciprocation, I want to love knowing that I don't have to be afraid of it anymore.

I can't wait to be called somebody's Wife. This is what I want more than anything else right now. I am sure that my boyfriend will be a wonderful husband and father someday... but if not with me, I am still confident that God will put the right person on my way. And if there's anything in my power right now for it to happen soon, I am ready to fight for it.

Other goal for 2010

2010-01-14T01:08:00.000-08:00

-Get engaged by the end of the year to the right guy. Saint Anthony is upside down in the glass inside the freezer again. He better do something quick after I finish that novena if he wants to see daylight...

Short post

2010-01-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

I am 8lbs above what I used to be, and even dieting and going to the gym hasn't made me drop them. Those freaking dieting pills just gave me insomnia. I feel ugly and a real loser lately. And to make things even more amazing today, his stupid friend from college is in town and asked him to pick her up from the airport, etc etc etc... He had the nuts to want me to go have dinner with them, after the most obvious flirtation scene she did to him when we met her in Vegas. As if I didn't have a lot going on in my head, I would have to play nice confident girlfriend... go fuck. Get a room and go do what she is crazy to do. I much rather stay in and cry tonight alone anyway.

Running against the clock...

2010-01-06T02:57:00.000-08:00

New Years didn't start the best way. Cramps, period, a weird friend of his along in the celebrations, the scale hitting digits I hadn't been in over a year. I was a bitch to him, yet he put up with me with good humor the entire weekend.

Then on saturday I found that school is due on the 11th, and I still don't have the amount saved for it. If I can't pay it by then, I'm automatically dropped off the Spring term - equals "goodbye visa". In no way I'd ask my parents to cover it, after all they did for me this summer. I'm waiting to hear back from my desperate measurement by Friday, and if that doesn't work either I will simply have to go back home in February. Staying here illegal isn't and will never be in cogitation. Since that day I've been biting my nails until there's nothing but flesh on my fingertips, he noticed it and I simply couldn't say what was going on...

But today I exploded. Started thinking about it, he didn't call or text me all day, and I felt that familiar feeling that many people unfortunately only get when they notice they are about to lose something... appreciation. Remembered all his funny faces and those sad eyes on NYE, all the surprises and efforts, and I had to be made of iron not to be touched by these little things. He truly is a catch and a gift, somebody I am glad to sleep and wake up beside, and that I would not mind doing it every day...
Later tonight, we went to the gym and he gave me a foot rub while HE was relaxing in the hot tub... I had to hold still not to cry when I told him what was going on. "What a wonderful birthday gift for me", that's all he said. That hurt me even more. But not as much as when he dropped me off and kissed me... The kiss I was waiting for in three months, to let me know what I felt about him. A very passionate kiss, that made me want to stay for more, forever, and forget about anything else in this world. A kiss that showed me how in love I am with this guy, and I just didn't want to see it before, blinded by a hurt ego and a complicated past.

I am hoping I can solve the tuition issue asap, and that the results imply in staying. And if that happens and everything goes well, in a few months I might suggest him to move in together. And as crazy as it sounds, this is not a crazy idea born in the spurt of a moment. I feel it makes sense, that it would be the beginning of the so desired emotional stability, that we do make a great partnership to reach better things.

My parents were right... that's the best type of love to feel.

Resolutions for 2010

2009-12-29T01:38:00.001-08:00

- Pay all credit cards by summer
- Lose 10 kgs (because 10lbs isn't that bad)
- Move to my own studio, or at least own private room
- Buy a car
- Eat healthier
- Cut soda to only once a week
- Better use (and less frequent) of Facebook, specially during school time
- Yoga and ballet once a week
- Get work permit
- Quit biting nails
- Being wiser about who I let into my life
- Europe in the summer
- Brasil for Christmas
- Visit 6 new states before year ends (Utah, Oregon, Washington, Louisiana, Maine, New Mexico)

A rush of blood to the head

2009-12-29T01:23:00.000-08:00

The racing thoughts because of those diet pills I started today finally gave me the guts to text him and ask for some time alone to think and put my head back on track. Even more because while in this dosage of caffeine I am not in the most sober mind. And I immediately felt relieved and calm. Not sure if this is a good sign.

Mom says I should keep on holding on, that with time I will learn to live in this relationship. As much as my parents are a happy couple, I never believed she was ever in love with him, probably just learned to love with time. Is it impossible to get both, passion and love? "But none of the guys you fell for were in love with you, so why waste this chance?", she said. I still think I am not waiting for something crazy.

I need to figure out what I really feel for him, if I am going to miss him like I missed those I knew I loved, or if it's going to be more like just being away from a friend. It was weird seeing his name online and not chatting, but it still isn't the same thing. Either way, I just needed some time for myself, and I am going to seize every second of it.

Jingle bells...

2009-12-28T00:47:00.000-08:00

Back from 4 days/3 nights in San Diego for the holidays. The first one without any family around - host family, boyfriend's family, anything. Only me and the boy and a hotel. It felt lonely.

I was in a tight budget and in a rush these past days with work and finals, yet I found time to get him a couple stuff. He admit he forgot about me. Tried to make it up by going to mass with me on Christmas day, but I was a bit hurt that he had spend two weeks using his free time booking a hotel that HE liked, and couldn't spare two minutes to get something for me. Not about the gift, it's about the intention, the thoughtfulness...

The two other days were filled either with many laughs and fun times (yes, he is a great company for some things), or arguments and early bedtime for me to avoid getting even more upset. During mass I prayed to God to either teach me how to love this guy or how to end things without hurting him too much. I really appreciate how well he treats me, and it's obvious that if I break up with him at some point I will be wondering if I weren't stupid for letting somebody like him go.
Today, for example, we were right at the border with Mexico and I convinced him to drive to Tijuana only so I could say I was ever in another country. This 5 minutes adventure in the car turned into a 2 hours wait at the immigration because allegedly something was wrong with my I-20 (bullshit, in the end). He waited all this time with good humor and even offered to speak to a lawyer about what happened.

I wish liking somebody was a lot easier, or that we at least had some control over our heart. I got the feeling this is exactly what my ex said he felt towards me. Able to say I love you, but not to be in love, and yet, not having the guts and enough certainty to leave.

Maybe his late Christmas gift to me is surprising me with reasons for me to change my mind. And I am still waiting....

(PS- Hash House a Go-Go for brunch, and night life at Gaslamp district, incredible experiences in San Diego!!!!)

It ought to be...

2009-12-14T20:26:00.000-08:00

One more day in the East Coast thanks to an update that made me miss my flight for a matter of a couple minutes, and is going to cost me much more than just that booking fee...

An office from the airport was telling me... two days in a row isn't a coincidence. What if it's making you avoid something bad, or giving you a second chance for something good? And deep down, I was thinking the same thing. Is it the answer to months of prayers? Will it finally be the chance to clear it all and leave the past with no more pendencies?

I tried to ask for a break with the other person, at least until I come back so if anything goes out of control tomorrow I won't have been unfair to anybody. But his responses just got me even more confused, to see such commitment to make things better instead of just letting me go. He is upset that whenever he does something wrong, I bring past relationships up to compare the results... and he is right, it does not necessarily mean it will screw things up like before. He is nothing like my previous boyfriends, in fact, he's pretty much everything I used to ask for in one. The only problem is what I said before... I just can't fall in love with him. And knowing myself, if it hasn't happened in three months, it will be very unlikely that will ever happen.

(And here I am comparing and generalizing again...)

I am not sure what is going to happen tomorrow... but I got the feeling that it will eventually explain a lot and put an end to all this drama. I hope so. And I am hoping that after that, everything will finally work wonders with flight back home as well...

"I want to linger a little longer..."

2009-12-14T13:43:00.000-08:00

So I am stuck another day in CT because of the weather (which I don't understand, it has been a great clear day so far), and my flight is delayed again. It would have been a great thing if only temptation didn't live a couple blocks away from where I am staying...
It was a long night twisting and turning around fighting thoughts, trying to convince myself that I am doing better off it now without all the insecurities that used to haunt me before. But things have changed quite a lot apparently... becoming closer to what I always believed it would be with time. And the "What if'..?" questions and skipped heartbeats didn't leave me alone until very early morning.

On the other side of this country, I thought somebody waited for me. But this person has also been taking me for granted and giving me reasons to think that being here isn't that bad after all. He is sweet and nice and many "checks" in my list, but never gave me those chills I felt right before I stepped into the party Saturday.

(as for the party itself, and the coffee the day later... it felt like a distant reality, an awkward dream, yet something so familiar... Odd, and at same time good.)

My roommate once said we can't have it all - a good person and passion. I used to have passion, just needed patience for the person to bloom. And now I found a wonderful person, but still need a bit more patience to fall in love. Patience that I do not have with Air Tran right now and all this chaos trying to get back home, while wondering how life is going to be after staring at those eyes again....

Insomnia...

2009-12-07T01:55:00.000-08:00

She's ignoring me. I am not sure if this trip is right. Gee, I am so fat. What to wear with that dress? Tomorrow morning I will go for a good jog. A bottle of wine the weekend he was housesitting for his parents' friends. Halloween night. 2am, damn. What am I going to do if I get that job? Should I fly to JFK or HPN? Can't forget to buy Christmas gifts this week. Got 3 weeks to pay school. A room with 2 different shades of blue. Those eyes... now she's the one who gets to sleep there after. The dark corner in the garage. 2008. 2007. The balcony. Black and gold match? No tights. Back to the wine in the living room. 2:06am.

This is going to be a long night. And I still got a few days before I am there yet...

Time is really the best remedy?

2009-12-07T00:35:00.000-08:00

For years and years, I've got in trouble many times because of a stupid habit of borrowing things without asking. At first it was only restricted to my mom's and sister's belongings, and though it would always annoy them immensely, the worst it would get was a day or two without a word to me.
Until last weekend I made the dumbest move ever... took my roommate's coat to Vegas. The one girl everybody had advised me since the very beginning to stay away from her stuff, and that gets irritated by the smallest things. Yet, I thought I was smart enough to find "a Brazilian way" to hide it, and away I went for the holiday.
3 days later, I came home, quickly put the piece back where it was, and invited my roommate to look at the pictures with me. 400 pictures with tons of poses with the coat. Yeah, I am really smart. Of course, she got pissed, and even with all the evidences there, I was so shocked that I had been caught that I denied my fault anyway. Created the biggest lie about somebody else's jacket, and coincidence and fate, even spent hours awake looking online for a similar one to bring as the "twin"...
It happens that unfortunately (or fortunately?) I wasn't born with the talent to lie or ignore guilt for too long. Ended up telling the truth and apologizing, but the shit was already done. Lost the trust of my roommates, the environment changed 100%. I get home, and see I am not welcome to join the gossip time anymore, and I have just been ignoring it too. Worst part is to share a room with somebody I don't exchange a word anymore. I am used to be alone at the end of the day, but not to be a stranger in my own house.
One of the girls is kinda talking to me again, and she says that at some point me and the roommate will have to sit down and clear the whole situation. Eventually that will be inevitable, but I am not sure if she is ready or really wants this day to come anytime soon, so I just keep on avoiding it as well. Childish behavior, the stupid proud that never goes away.

That's why I don't complain about the disasters that I have been through... it's God being patient and trying to give me another chance to be humble... and whenever I fail Him, I deal with the consequences. Nothing more natural. And time does not fix these things alone.

Popping this cherry...

2009-12-04T21:41:00.000-08:00

I never quite got what the poor sweet cherries have to do with the unpleasant pain of a first time, but let's keep on moving...

So apparently today it was a day to deal with haunted past...

Starting with the trip to CT next weekend, which will require a lot of patience with phony people, and self control to fight against some unresolved issues... even though since I booked that flight, I've been feeling even more grateful and attached to what I've got now, and I really don't want to take any risks of losing it because of something that is definitely over. Still, I admit I am very anxious about the idea of causing hell to some individuals for a few days... revenge isn't the most Christian behavior, but it is a sweet reward once in a while! hahaha.

Then my first boyfriend of 8 years ago out of the blue tells me he has been thinking of me often since my last trip to Brazil, that before he didn't know what he wanted in life, but now that he has grown he could see something long term if I ever decided to come back... Scary. But not the first time somebody tells me they see a future with me years and years after they dumped and/or rejected me. It makes me wonder what has made these people all of a sudden change their mind... I am still pretty much the same Juliana, just with a further zipcode and maybe a better haircut.

Usually we need a third topic for a good story, but (un)fortunately that hasn't happened today. Guess I am not ready for that much of emotion on a single day...
(If you don't know me well enough, probably won't understand the sarcasm behind this last sentence!....)

C'est fini.